Dearest Family...

Dearest Naomi, 
The toilet is not a toy.  Please don't try to flush it over and over again.  I know you like the swooshing sound but it costs Mommy and Daddy money.  Not to mention it's irritating-especially when Mommy is still sitting on the potty.  Please choose one of the million toys that people have spent thousands of dollars on for your entertainment. 
Much Love, 
Mommy


Dearest Michael, 
I know that Refrigerator Blindness is a male disorder.  Perhaps it is a genetic mutation and not your fault that you can't find the kids' organic apple sauce in the second drawer or the jar of SunButter hiding behind the rice milk on the left side of the fridge's top shelf.  But if you try moving an item or two around before you ask me to come and find it for you, it will earn big brownie points for you and re-instill hope for husbands in general.   
Loving Regards, 
Jamie


Dearest Jenna, 
It is wonderful to have snuggle time while you are awake but once you fall asleep the arrangement becomes very painful for Mommy.   Somehow without lessons, you have mastered the Korean martial art of Tang Soo Do while asleep- I am so proud! But honey, your foot does not belong on my stomach, in my eye, or pressed between my shoulder blades and despite what you think, you can sleep just as good in your own bed as you can in mine.
With Love, 
Mommy 


Dearest Mindy, 
The neighbors can't hear you. They are 40 feet away and you are behind a glass window. Even if your growls were magnified 100x the volume of Mighty Dog people would not be afraid enough to stop their dog from peeing on our mailbox. Do the household a favor, rest your vocal cords a bit, and save your ear piercing barks for when it truly matters-like the next time Jenna tries to paint your hair with sidewalk chalk. 
Hang in There, 
Mom  


Dearest Ducks, 
I am the one that fills your duck pond (plastic kiddie pool) and feeds you pellets each morning. I am also the one that built you the Fort Knox of all duck pens out of a dog kennel and fortified chicken wire so you'd be safe from those rotten fowl murdering raccoons. So why do you repay me, Baron, by hissing at me each time I enter the fence and pecking me when I gather the single egg Fluffy lays each morning? You'd better watch it my feathered friend or Duck a l'Orange just may be served at our next holiday meal.:) Fluffy, this of course excludes you. After all you are our only egg layer. 
Sincerely, 
Farmer Jamie 

Dear Frog Outside the Girl's Bedroom Window, 

You woke up the children one too many times with your endless nocturnal croaking.  I've given the raccoons your location. 

Tell God I said hello, 

Jamie